On the edge..

For so many years I have prayed that God would make me a radical Christian. Someone that is sold-out completely for Christ and gives up his own life. Someone that turns to God and never looks back. As I came here I kept saying that I am done with myself. For so long I have depended on myself all for naught, for EMPTINESS. I am so overrated. And here God has brought me. Today, to this very place. As He broke me down into tears (the first time my hardened heart has been able to cry since I got here) today I knew the time had come. For so long I had prayed for these things. For so long my heart had longed to serve God with abandon. And here is my chance, God is answering all my prayers. There is a fork in the road.....go back to Hartville, start a career, live the normal everyday life...which God can definitely use. Or give it all up. Lay down ALL my rights..to family, to friends, to everything I know and say, "Not my will, Father, but yours." Both can be used by God, both are good, but which do I want more? Where is my heart?

I can only focus on God. But close your eyes for a second and imagine laying on your death bed, at the ripe old age of 80 years old. You know the end of life is fast approaching, only moments are left to reminisce and mull over your life. What will you think about? What will you remember? Will it be what car you drove, which brand of clothing you wore, how much money you made, what you did as a career? No! Everything we worry about is so meaningless, so stupid! Absolutely NOTHING will matter except for God and the relationships you made. There is no greater cause than to give up your life for Christ. Nothing could be more worthy! THERE IS NO GREATER THING!

So the choice is there. My stomach is in knots. The rest of my life seems to be in the balance. The two paths lay before me. Sure, as I look down the path I see God standing at the end of each of them, holding out his arms. But the question is, which do I want more?